Akatsuki Help Sessions
by sasoku darkheart
Summary: The akatsuki create a help session to make people feel better
1. The Help Begins!

**AKATSUKI HELP SESSIONS**

Sasori: This "help the mind email session" thing that Itachi came up with is brilliant! I wonder how he came up with it?

Flash back thingy

Itachi: I got new nail polish!

Sasori: soooooo….

Itachi: (looks angrily at Sasori) I shall spread my joy with the world…and not you!

Real life thingy

Sasori: Oh yeah…

Computer: (briiiiiinnnnggggsss)YOU HAVE MAIL

Sasori: Yay! First customer!

Sasori: (reads email address) (sorry but I can't put a real email there and I cant come up with another one I'll tell you one thing it has tobi and akatsuki in it

Sasori: (rubs head in frustration) TOOOOOOBBBBBBBIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Tobi: w-what?

Sasori: Is this your e-mail?

Tobi: n-no i-idea w-what your talking about, bye! (Zooms away)

Sasori: (reads email) Dear mysterio my face is literally twisted and everyone hates me, got any advice?

Sasori:(rubs head in frustration again)

Sasori: (thought cam) I wonder how Itachi's doin'

**MEANWHILE ITACHI IS GOING DOOR TO DOOR TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL BETTER?**

Itachi:(knocks on door)

Shikamaru:(opens door) Hello?

Itachi: hi I'm Itachi and- (gets cut off because he got kicked in the nuts by shikamaru)

Shikamaru: (punches Itachi off lawn) get off my property you villain!

Itachi: (is on ground) well that didn't go so well, maybe I'll have better luck with the next house

Itachi: (Rings door bell)

Ash: (opens door) hello?

Itachi: hi I'm- (gets kicked in the leg)

Ash: get off my property (sprays pepper spray)

Itachi: HA! It doesn't work cause I'm already blind!

Ash: this works just as well (does an uppercut punch which knocked him off the lawn)

By now Itachi doesn't want to even think about hoping for the next house to be better because he knows it will jinx him.

Itachi: (knocks on door)

Sheshruke: (opens door) hello?

Itachi: **_YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!_** I didn't jinx my self!

Sheshruke: what?

Itachi: nothing…nothing….

Sheshruke: so whats up

Itachi: I'm trying to make people feel better but I'm striking out all over.

Sheshruke: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA No…No seriously

Itachi: I made a bet with sasori

Sheshruke: OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH why didn't you say so

Itachi: look will you help me or not?

Sheshruke: sure I'd like to have a little fun sure

Itachi: first of all, why do you think people hate me so much?

Sheshruke: well let's think about that for a minute, you're a notorious villain of an evil organization; you're a boy who paints his fingernails, why do you think?

Itachi: (thinks for a minute) you have a point there

Itachi: (knocks on door)

Deidara: (opens door) hello?

Itachi: hi I'm Itachi- what the- deidara what are-

Deidara: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Villain! (Kicks Itachi 1000 miles away)

Sheshruke: deidara what are you doing here… and why did you kick itachi really hard.

Deidara: first questions answer is this is my grandmas house and second question because I felt like I gawd!

Sheshruke: (shrugs shoulders) eh, works for me

Shesruke: I wonder how Hidan is doing

_**MEANWHILE MEANWHILE**_

Hidan: now slowly bend your leg to your shoulder and then gradually to your back

Class: (about to break every bone in there body)

Random guy in class: I can't take it anymore of your crazy contortions!… hey that has a rhythm (starts singing)

Hidan: (throws kunai at head which obviously kills him) taken care of

Yondaime: (sees Hidan contort himself like a **_snake_**)

Yondaime: aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh orochimaru! DIE! (Takes kisame's sword and starts poking hidan with it while simultaneously pushing kisame's head away preventing him from getting the sword)

Hidan: ouch- hey-stop that (takes katana of wall and slices yondaime's head off)

Hidan: what have I done?!

Class: yeah you should die! (crowds up on Hidan)

Hidan: That's not what I meant, no…no…not in the face! Not in the face! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!kisame: yeah! He's dead you know what that means…

Class: **NO MORE YOGA YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!**

Hidan's soul: I wonder how kakuza is doing

YOU GET THE IDEA 

Kakuza: (is doing over expensive TV program) the mind is an over expensive thing… and so is this TV show and if you don't pay up I'll…what?

Kabooto: for get about the money for a second gawd why can't you forget the money for a second!

Kakuza: why can't I forget about the money for a second you ask… it's because… **I LOVE MONEY!!!!!!** (starts to attack kabooto)

Director: (runs in front of camera) **_CUT!!!!! CUT!!!!!_**

_**AFTER VIEW WITH THE AUTHER**_

Sasoku: I think we've all learned a very important lesson

Nightshade: whats that?

Sasoku: it's that… the akatsuki can't be soothing for their lives! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!


	2. It Getsworse

_**Chapter 2: the lecture and other things**_

Yondaime: (well his soul anyway) I am very disappointed in you guys. You panicked half the city and destroyed most of it

Kisame: and we're very proud of it, right guys?

Everyone: well yeah I guess I mean nothing special right we do it everyday… hey yondaime aren't you proud of us for doing that?

Yondaime: ……… uhhhh… yeah I was uhhh, testing you, yeah let's go with that

Kisame: ……… O.K. works for me

Yondaime:** phew**

Kisame: phew?

Yondaime: Uhhhhhh… Ummmmmm….

Kisame: whatever

Yondaime: well back to business ahem you guys broke it, you have to fix it

Everyone but Hidan: ooooohhhhhhhhhhhh maaaaaaaaaannn

As you probably know Hidan died from the angry mob of yoga students

Hidan: HA! I'm dead so I don't have to clean up. HA!

Yondaime: (pokes Hidan's soul)

Hidan: (becomes human and plops on ground) crud.

Yondaime: Kakuza you blatantly disobeyed orders!

Hidan: (sticks tongue out at Kakuza)

Yondaime: same goes for you, Hidan, and you're the worst of them, **_YOU KILLED ME!!!!!!_**

Yondaime: (tries to punch Hidan but fists just fly through him) CURSE ME BEING IN SOUL, I WANNA KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!

Hidan: (looking scared at his now demonetized soul)

Yondaime: And of all people to fail a mission, Itachi you failed making people feel good!

Itachi: well sorry to disagree sir but um I did well on the last house.

Yondaime: YOU LIAR, YOU DIDN'T DO WELL! SHESHRUKE DID!

Itachi: (looking very very very sad)

POOOOOOOOOOOOF!!!!!

Sheshruke: DIE NARUTO! (throws soul kunai at yondaime)

Yondaime: HOLY CRUD (disappears)

Itachi: what the heck man! Why'd you kill yondaime… or his soul (if that is even possible)?

Sheshruke: That was yondaime? I thought that was Naruto?

Itachi: well they do look the same

Sheshruke: well you guys better get cleaning

Everyone: (starts cleaning up)

Half way through the clean up…

Itachi: wait a minute, we're evil villains, we shouldn't be cleaning up we should be laughing!

Everyone: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

Sheshruke: THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE CLEANING TO ME! GET BACK TO WORK!

Everyone: yeeeeesssss sheeeeeshruuuuuuke…

Itachi: wait a minute…

Itachi: guys, huddle up

Everyone: hmmm yes yes that's very evil… or as nightshade calls it (in chibi version) EBIL

A few minutes later…a few _evil_ minutes later

Sheshruke: (is tied to a post) Uhhhhh guys are this really necessary?

Itachi: yes it is, oh and this isn't moon raider… it's real life!

Sheshruke: please! Please don't stab me with swords!

Itachi: oh we won't do that we are going to do something much more evil…

Sheshruke: what is that…

Itachi…THIS!!!! (Shoves spoon full of lima beans close to his face)

Sheshruke: no…no!…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

END OF CHAPTER 2

AFTER VIEW WITH THE AUTHOR  
Sasoku: well I know this chapter was kinda short compared to my other chapter, but I hoped you liked it.


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